Sunday, October 3, 2010

Michael Vick: Round 2

I vividly remember the clamor and social unrest that erupted back when the announcement was first made that Michael Vick would be joining Philly's beloved Eagles football franchise.  Having been anti-dog fighting / pro-puppies all my days prior I immediately empathized with the cries of disgust from the more civilized batch of Eagles fans (all five of them).  Once the feeling of moral and ethical superiority faded after a day or two of proclaiming Vick as the anti-Christ to anyone who'd listen I realized two important things that began to shift my opinion.  The first was that professional sports always have and will most likely continue to be as unimportant a factor in my everyday life as oral contraceptives are to the OctoMom.  The second was that people have a tendency to be easily misguided lemmings.  Once I was aware of these two nuggets of truth I proceeded to write an op-ed piece in which I oh so eloquently stated my reasons for giving two turds of a care that Vick would now be associated with my city. I utilized the enlightened language and ideas of the greatest sociologists and philosophers of our time when I stated that our country's obsession with the life dealings of overpaid assclown professional athletes is pathetic.  Michael Vick's job description is to throw balls twice a week for twenty-five weeks out of the year with the occasional photo shoot with a cute sickly kid or the Pennsylvania SPCA thrown in for good measure.  Viewing him or any athlete as a person to take moral cues from should be enough to have one committed and beaten with a sack of doorknobs.

While I originally thought I would be satisfied with my first write up / soap box rant I hadn't taken into account the fact that good ol' Andy Reid was probably 'advised' to let the heat die down around Vick before starting him as Philly nudged McNabb towards the back door.  As is typical with all news hype the tension surrounding the Eagles newest personnel acquisition all but died out... that is until the start of this most recent season when Kolb pulled a McNabb and suffered a season ending injury during a preseason game.  With Vick being next in line and subsequently showing that his time in our punishment system was spent doing more than just holding onto a bar of soap with a vice grip the social networking sites are once again aflame with people screaming (in lovely all caps of course) "Hide your Beagle, Vick's an Eagle!"

Some of you more astute readers may have noticed that I used the word "punishment" instead of "rehabilitation" when referring to our prisons here in the USA.  I did this to introduce the point that for all of the moral posturing those five aforementioned civic-minded Eagles fans are doing in their renewed hatred of all things Vick their shortsightedness is sickening.  For the most part those involved in decrying their new QB are soaring over actual important social issues that have led to individuals pitting Cujo against Lassie long before Vick kicked his first puppy.

Today's world, for those privileged enough to have daily and private access to a home computer and internet connection, is a place where it is extremely easy to skirt over doing something productive about a perceived injustice.  The reason for this is because there's an innate and very gratifying feeling that comes with typing a few words, clicking a mouse button, and sending said (in most cases) poorly punctuated sentences out into the expanse of the interwebs.  I'll be the first to admit that spelling out hatred for a driver on the expressway that flipped you off or that asshat who can't figure out what he wants in the Taco Bell drive-through lends to a rather real feeling of relief.  I understand and embrace it wholeheartedly.  My beef comes in when the same individuals harp on the same problem for months on end without even taking so much as a solid step towards addressing the cause.  Should these individuals have stopped buying tickets to Eagles games or Eagles related sports paraphernalia?  While that may help a few sleep better at night it would have no effect whatsoever because let's be honest; the whole adage of "we speak with our wallets and purses" is a 98.9% crock of bullshit.  In a capitalist society all that equates to is a responsibility on the company's end to find a new way to sell the same old to the sadly ignorant and easily distracted masses.  For those that insist on preaching the power of a massive consumer boycott, good luck on convincing an entire city to give up drinking beer, eating wings, and vegging out the day before their week of being underpaid and underappreciated starts.  Instead why don't those who genuinely feel appalled at Vick's past dealings invest time looking into donating to or volunteering with local groups that work to curb dogfighting rings in Philadelphia or their city of choice?  How about advocating for prison reforms that may actually stand a chance at teaching inmates to better their ways upon release instead of finding better ways to not get caught?  The number of options out there is almost limitless but nowhere near as simple as clicking a "share" button on a Facebook page or Twitter feed.

I am well aware that there are those out there who have done all of my previous suggestions and then some while still yelling "who let the dogs out!?" whenever Vick steps out onto the field.  To them I say good job for having the stones to get up and do something meaningful with that misguided rage.  I prefer simply cutting people's faces but that's beside the point.  Over the past few days I've heard a number of people equating supporting the Eagles but not Michael Vick with supporting our troops but not the wars they are required to fight.  Are you fucking kidding me?  Comparing international armed conflict due to a variety of socioeconomic, religious, and political factors that kills and maims thousands everyday with grown men whose only marketable skills involve playing recess games every weekend?  I understand that spectator sports offer a safe and fun distraction from the toils of everyday life, as do many other brainless and entertaining pastimes like reality TV, videogames, and waiting for the next Lindsey Lohan cooter shot to pop up online.  The danger in overemphasizing a grown man's aversion to Old Yeller is not found in the wasted five to ten seconds it may take to write a witty quip as a status update.  The real harm rears its head when the mentality of "that upsets me so I'll post a status update about it" becomes so common place that the population believes that the revolution will occur through Facebook, a privately owned multinational and damn near one billion dollar generating company created and run by individuals in the highest tiers of society. 

I heart people.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Priceless


It genuinely saddens me that becoming a state certified elementary school teacher is about as difficult as wiping your own ass in the dark.  The overwhelming majority of people I've come across in my Elem Ed program are practically poster children for teaching kids to not take candy from strangers.  Every class I sit through is an exercise in not succumbing to my more base instincts like punching throats and cutting faces.  At one point I remember my classes were so frustratingly awful that at the conclusion of a school day I'd rank how bad it was by where on my body I felt like shooting myself.  On a scale of "my foot" to "my genitals" I had far too many weeks where it felt like my ball-sack owed me money and slept with my wife. 
 
There have been a good number of times when people have expressed disbelief in my claims of bearing witness to the final portents of the coming End of Days and I completely understand why.  I have a penchant for the dramatic when it comes to the written word so it makes a certain amount of sense that individuals would question my assertion that my classmates should be beaten and sterilized.  In response to said doubt I present the following example of just how special and life affirming my classmates can be.

Below is an email exchange between myself and a lovely young lady from one of my classes.  To give this conversation some context two days prior was our last class of the semester.  For our final project we were to have prepared a science based lesson plan for our preferred elementary grade and present the lesson to our class.  I've made it a policy to cause as little friction as I can when in school as nothing is more ferocious then a blood thirsty pack of raging mouth breathers that have been insulted using words consisting of more than two syllables.  When Ms. Angry&Confused presented her lesson on how "sound waves move through sound" (yes, you did read that correctly) and the time came for audience critiquing I suggested some books she could check out to give her ways to present more factual information to kindergarteners (her preferred grade).  Fast forward two days and she sends out two emails less than an hour apart asking if anyone had received final grades for the class.  I thought that I was being kind and helpful in providing some direction to the wayward lass, and with that I leave you to judge for yourselves...

*aside from names and dates all of the following text and punctuation (or lack thereof) has been (hilariously) unaltered.

On Sun, Angry&Confused wrote:

did any one get grades let me know thanks

-------

On Sun, That Guy wrote:

If you don't see them on Blackboard or the school website they haven't been posted yet.  I'd say check around the beginning of this coming week for them.

-------

On Sun, Angry&Confused wrote:

Thank You But I'm aware Of How To Find The Grades I wanted to Know If ANYONE received Their GRADES as of YET thank you just the same for the information

-------

On Sun,
That Guy wrote:

And that's why I said in GENERAL if they haven't been posted there for yourself then NO ONE has received them since they are all put into the system at the same time by the professor.  Sorry if that wasn't CLEAR.

Writing in all caps is FUN!  :)

-------

On Sun, Angry&Confused wrote:

In GENERAL thanks again for your help but I WAS NOT TALKING about anything that you are putting in these EMAILS and no everyone DON'T get the grades at the same time if they owe money and in some cases they may not be able to see their grades this is not a tech problem i'm aware of how to get grades IN GENERAL I wanted to know Who got GRADES SINCE MY COMPUTER WAS ACTING UP but I didn't know that I had to put that in this DARN email. MAYBE NOW I AM CLEAR FOR WHOEVER MAY NEED TO KNOW WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT AND FOR THE PEOPLE WHO GAVE ME A REPLY TO WHO GOT GRADES THANK YOU I DID NOT NEED NO OTHER QUESTIONS ANSWERED.

-------

On Sun,
That Guy wrote:

You're a big fan of capital letters I see.  It's cute.  Stick with it.

-------

On Sun, Angry&Confused wrote:

First of all grow the hell up because right about now you're about to get your ass cursed out the information you gave like I said was not needed that wasn't the information I was looking for grow the hell up and find something else to do with your damn time you're a smart ass alec in class don't come with this shit out of class cause i'm not for it I thanked you for the infomation that I didn't the hell need so that was it  the back and forth was not needed so go head with the extra bull shit like I said In general it's to damn hot for all the extra that you're doing right now. Yes we all are aware that you know every damn thing but in this case what you knew did not the hell help me PLEASE don't the hell email me no more with the nonsense or the bull shit. I don't feel like it now I'm trying to be nice so quit while I'm letting you be ahead. TRUST ME it's to damn hot to be cursed the hell out

-------

On Sun,
That Guy wrote:

#1) Sorry that I seem to have offended you with my original attempt at answering your first question.  I hope the email the professor just sent out explaining the situation with our grades clears everything up for you.

#2) Glad to hear that my presence, intelligence, and enthusiasm for learning are noticed and appreciated during class.  Thanks for the words of kindness! :)

#3) Yes, I do trust that you would never resort to such drastic and childish measures for displaying your anger towards me by using profanity.

Hope the weekend has been treating you well!

-------

On Sun, Angry&Confused wrote:

What was childish was you being smart as always and I asked you not to email me

-------

On Sun,
That Guy wrote:

Noted.  You will not receive another email from me again I promise.  Have a good rest of the weekend :)


-------

I hate to say I told ya so...  Wait, no I don't :)

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Hello World

Today I discovered that I can fit my kitten's entire head into my mouth.  The events leading up to this spectacular discovery involved one morning too many of being woken up at the ass crack of dawn by her incessant cuteness and need to remind me that if my hands are not rubbing her ears then why the hell do I even have them?  Hopefully her saliva covered cranium and my dislocated jaw will serve as potent reminders that Daddy shouldn't be woken up in the middle of a dream involving tacos, vanilla snack packs, and Megan Fox.  But I digress...

Welcome to I Heart People!  It's become an almost daily occurrence where I find myself holding rather intense conversations with my inner dialogue.  These exchanges typically revolve around what should be done about the blatantly obvious ignorance, hypocrisy, and stupidity of those individuals who have defied Darwin and managed to master bipedal self propulsion let alone coherent thought.  I've decided that instead of walking around looking like that old schizophrenic guy you see outside of ghetto gas stations I should put my thoughts to paper, digital or otherwise, and share them with the digital world.  Thanks to an overinflated sense of self worth and the proddings of my man & woman servants (aka: good friends) my testament to mouth breathers around the world has thusly been created.

As with the vast majority of ideas that I cobble together under the influence of absinthe and the souls of the innocent this blog will most likely de/evolve into whatever it is that tickles my fancy in a given moment.  While I will not endeavor to be overtly offensive and/or insulting there will be times (pretty much all of them) when my idea of the truth may rub some people the wrong way like thoughts of your grandparents during intimate moments.  I'd apologize for this if I thought it were in any way necessary (I am sorry about making you think of your grams...well... you know) but let's face reality for a moment.  Opinions are like thoughts of exacting revenge on a middle school bully; everybody has them.  If you were the one being bullied you will probably enthusiastically embrace, respect, and share the fanciful machinations I post here no matter the disturbingly specific details you've dreamt up on your own time.  If you were the bully and are offended by my compositional meanderings I'm sorry that you suck and I sincerely hope you've successfully worked through all of your daddy and gender identity issues.  If you rode the short bus and do not understand this analogy... actually there's no need for me to finish that statement as if you were the owner of an in-house-safety helmet your brain would have already imploded upon seeing my prior use of a semicolon or getting four sentences deep and discovering this blog isn't about animal mutilation.

I'm a big fan of run-on sentences.  Learn to love em'.

Anyways I hope you enjoy the show that shall commence as much as I enjoy being inspired regularly by people who should've been one "you have a condom, right?" query away from ever existing in the first place.

Toodles!